With Peter Jackson's King Kong about to be released, Cinemas Online looks at how he might fare in a fighing contest against some other giant movie monsters. Imagine if Monster fighting was a broadcast spectator sport...
Welcome to Monster Island, if it's entertainment you want you've come to the right place. We're going to put some of the biggest monsters around through their paces. We are about to witness a battle royale as mighty titans clash for our pleasure.
Our team of monster wranglers has collected together some of the finest specimens of fighters they could find on Earth, and even a little bit beyond. We've crated up the monsters in a humane a way as we could. They're currently being held in a safe waiting area, just behind the volcano. Of course, safety is one of our major concerns and we are holding the event on a remote Pacific island, so we can be sure that we won't be worrying anyone. The natives have welcomed us all with open arms and have proved themselves worthy understudies to our team of expert monster wranglers.
Let's give you a quick rundown of who we've got fighting for us. From Japan, we have Godzilla, the fearsome creature who has kept Tokyo's construction industry busy for over half a century. Hailing from beyond our solar system, we have the terrifying Alien Queen, her supporters are still held up behind customs, but I hear she's currently nurturing a few eggs. Next in line, we have a supernatural being who breaks convention by being made entirely of confectionary, the Sta-Puft Marshmallow man. Finally, from Skull Island comes the mighty ape who causes havok wherever he goes, King Kong.
We've set up an area for the contest to take place by clearing away some trees in the shade of the volcano. Our playing arena is a roughly rectangular field bounded by forest, apart from the northern side which slopes down to a sandy beach. In one inland corner stands the remains of an ancient temple and at the other a pitch-pit slowly bubbles. I have a great view of the whole proceedings from my observation platform at the side of the volcano. Some of the natives have joined me here on the hillside. Some other brave souls are lurking in the trees around the edges of the clearing to get a close look at our gigantic fighters.
Our first round pits Godzilla against The Alien Queen. Our wranglers have had a hard time with this one. They've brought in the alien queen and uncrated her with some eggs to look after, they're using force-lances to keep her in her place and she's looking pretty angry. Our umpire for this series, Mr. Neil Tate, is keeping an eye on things from the safety of a circling helicopter. He's giving the signal, and the match is about to begin. I can hear some distant roaring now. The Alien Queen sits alone guarding her eggs, she's the size of a bus, all vicious pointed angles and acid blood that would melt through anything. She'll need all those claws, stings and spikes when she gets to grips with her opponent, because he's as big as they come. I can see Godzilla's head breaking the surface of the water. He's bellowing as he steps onto the beach, he's simply collosal. Godzilla may have a huge size advantage, but the Alien Queen looks pretty determined to look after her brood. She's scuttling around the feet of the Japanese monster like an angry spider, Godzilla is stomping and swinging his tail. I can feel the earth beneath me shake, I'm pretty secure here on this platform, but the natives on the hillside are starting to look worried. He's got a hit on her - the Alien Queen has taken the force of Godzilla's tail-swipe and been knocked into the trees. Godzilla's bellowing again, he looks as if he's on the rampage and he's moving off towards the temple. Look at the building go! It only took one giant lizard foot, but there's virtually nothing left now. There's something scuttling out of the trees, by the bubbling pitch. There's a cheer from the crowd as the Alien Queen scuttles up on Godzilla unnoticed. She's on his tail now, crawling up the plates on his back. Godzilla's looking really annoyed now. He's thrashing around but he seems unable to shake off his foe. She's clinging on between his shoulder blades and those vicious stingers must hurt. It's a disaster for Godzilla, with a terrible grimace and a fearful sound he's heading for the water, I think he's had enough. He's wading out now and the Alien queen is scuttling back to her eggs. It looks as if Godzilla's conceded this one.
Welcome back to the second match, King Kong versus The Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man. Kong has been roped to some heavy looking rocks, but he's not looking happy about it. We've had a path cut through the forest to get the Marshmallow Man in. Our wranglers are using some heavy duty proton packs to encourage the monster into the clearing. We've got another match of unequal sizes here, Kong is a big angry ape, about forty feet high, that's big, but still pretty small in comparison to the 200ft tower of marshmallow which is strolling towards him. The airborne umpire is giving the signal and some natives with axes are freeing Kong from his ropes. He's angry and on the attack. Sta-Puft is looking down at him and although moving slowly he looks as if he's pulling back to punch at Kong. Kong is pretty agile though, he's used to wrestling with dinosaurs back home, and he seems pretty unfazed about his opponent. He's running around the back of Sta-Puft, who really looks if he could do with shedding some weight. He's turning to follow Kong, but Kong seems to have become distracted, he's heading for the treeline, close to the pitch-pit. I think he's caught sight of one of the native girls. There's a commotion in the trees as Kong stumbles in, but Sta-Puft is close behind him. He's lumbering towards the pitch-pit, this could spell disaster! Now he's standing in the pit, he seems too stupid to recognise the predicament he's put himself into. I can smell the toasting marshmallow now, he's trying to move, but it's too late, he's melting into a sweet, sticky pool, letting out a horrendous gasp. Some of the natives are on the pitch, they think it's all over - it is now, Sta-Puft has collapsed into a heap of marshmallow topped with a hat big enough to float a boat in. I'm not sure where Kong's got to but he seems to have won by default.
Now it's time for our final round. Our wranglers have recovered King Kong and he's back at his starting position, he's straining at the ropes and staring down the Alien Queen, who is standing motionless over her eggs. The umpire gives the signal from the safety of his helicopter, and the well trained natives cut the ropes. We're going to see some real action here. Kong is rushing forward, beating his breast, this time he has the size advantage, but he's got to be careful. The Alien is an undefeated champion and nothing short of throwing her into deep space is likely to stop her. She's dodging the charge and swiping out with one of her claws. I think Kong's been injured, he's howling and limping away towards the the beach. The Alien Queen is standing her ground while King Kong beats his chest and howls at her. I can hear something else now, answering the commotion, another bellowing call, there's something coming out of the sea. It's Godzilla again, he's decided to come back for more. He's ignoring Kong and striding up the beach towards the Alien. She's scuttling away towards the hot bituminous marshmallow, but Godzilla is on the attack now, he lets out a terrific cry, inhales deeply and breathes out towards the Alien. This is no ordinary breath, there's an evil glow to it and it lands with the punch of an atomic weapon. The marshmallow has caught fire, Godzilla's roaring and blowing onto the flames. Now the trees are catching fire, Mr. Tate, our flying umpire, is frantically signalling, but I don't know what he means. The natives are running out into the sea and the Alien Queen is nowhere to be seen. Kong seems to have disappeared too.
Looking down from my platform, all I can see are frantic natives runing hither and thither whilst their island burns. Godzilla is returning to the sea now. I can see King Kong. He's heading for the high ground, getting closer to the observation platform now. Where's the umpire flown off to? He needs to pick me up in his chopper now before the flames or the giant ape get to me! I can see him. I'm waving. Over here! He's coming to pick me up, but he had better hurry, Kong's climbing the platform now, and he doesn't look happy. The ape's close, too close. That's a giant hand in front of me! Land the chopper now! Oh no, this is too close, he's got me in his grasp. I can't move - he's got me held tightly. All around me the fires are raging, I'm in the clutches of King Kong, and my only hope is aerial rescue from Umpire Tate!
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